Decoding Female Rage: Control
I believe one of the themes that provokes women into rage and anger is control.
We use anger as our weapon against conditioning and expectations that we feel are put upon us without our permission, causing us to feel out of control of our own lives.
Recently I learned about post partum rage and it blew my mind. I always knew that post partum depression was a thing, but never heard about the raging until I met someone who was experiencing it in real time. This revealed to me, or at least made me ponder on how rage is often a side effect of repression and overwhelm at the many hats and roles we as women, are expected to fit into.
As a twenty something someone who does not have children, I tried to put myself into the shoes of someone who is experiencing motherhood for the first time. I specifically put myself in the shoes of my friend experiencing post partum rage, considered her situation and background, and completely understood the source of her anger and discontent.
We brush off our feelings and unmet needs and put them under these neat categories for others to easily understand, when in reality there is a level of complexity under the surface that is enraging because it’s difficult to explain. Our rage sometimes feels like the only thing we have that can help us fight back. What are we fighting? Ourselves. Our circumstances. Unfair treatment. Unmet needs in relationships. The job we are not happy in. Beauty standards. The list goes on. Who can really put into words the indescribable frustration of the emotional work we do on ourselves and in our relationships. Relationships that we can’t avoid, because we need them to exist… Not having healthy relationships and a sense of connection to the people around you costs you more in the long run.
One source of rage I’ve seen run a common thread in the various women I have met throughout my life stems from the realization that they are living a life that is not their own. At some point, without realizing, women see the ways that they have altered their lifestyle and taken literal years in detour, in order to please someone or meet some kind of expectation of what a woman is or should be.
Learning about post partum rage reminded me of how the “body keeps the score.” I remember reading this book by Bessel van der Kolk, completely changed my life. Post partum rage, and various other deep seated anger that seem to come up uncontrollably are often a result of feelings that were previously pushed down or at the very least not acknowledged.
That being said, one of the remedies I see for rage is having the awareness behind the decisions we make throughout our life and what drives them. Having the consideration for yourself to live a life that aligns with your soul, and is not a result of wanting to attain approval and be accepted, can set you up for success. More than success, this awareness to regain control of your life and your decisions, can alleviate the uncomfortable and nagging feelings of rage and resentment.